Women's Lib Hits the RIM

While I am certainly here to be in the community and to be a part of the community, I can't help feeling at times that I'm an outside observer. The cultural differences are so profound in so many respects that relating can become difficult. I feel a bit awkward going to one friend's house every single day for lunch, even though I have an open invite. In fact, I've been told off for not coming over often enough if I miss a lunch or two. Shaking hands with women is a no-no. When I greet women, I just put my hand over my heart. There are enough of these differences that I feel a slight alienation, not in a bad sense, just a distinction that sets me apart as an observer.

This shakey stance is difficult to maintain at times. I am trying to learn to be a member of the community, to be an active participant, but at the same time watch what happens so that I don't do anything too stupid. Like try to shake a woman's hand.

It isn't always easy, though. There are instances where I can't, or perhaps don't want to, simply say that the local way is fine. I can visit more often than I am accustomed to at home, but when I do, I prefer not to expect the lady of the house to serve on me hand and foot. If it were a matter of being a good host, that would be one thing. But I eat with the man of the house, sit and watch television with him, talk with him, visit with him, while his wife brings us food, pours water when we wash our hands, clears the dishes, and sweeps up any rice or couscous that has fallen on the floor. I am simply not comfortable with this. She is his wife, not his servant.

I am often counseled to get married. Find a wife, a nice young woman, maybe eighteen. Have a bunch of kids. What's life without a wife and kids? I've had this conversation often. One of my local friends told me that I need to find a young wife, not one who is my age. A man, he said, should be his wife's teacher. When I told him that I wanted an equal instead of a student, he clicked his tongue and said that no, women need teachers.

The legal framework of Mauritania is remarkably advanced. The age of marriage is 18, women have every right and privilege that men enjoy, there is no distinction between a man's job and a woman's job. Officially. Socially, the rules are different.

I was raised a good, northeastern, liberal, cultural relativist. You have your culture, I have mine. But at times, it's difficult to maintain that stance. Women's rights aren't less important in Mauritania than they are in the US. The government has enacted many laws that reflect this. But the effects of those laws have yet to be seen in many places.

The people are wonderful, kind, and generous. I am frequently impressed by what I see. But these occasional breaks between my values and the local values continue to throw me.